Letters to Major (7)

Dear Major,

Today the saddest thing happened to this poor woman. The love of her life was buried and she wanted to be buried with it.

His face looked peaceful, as much as possible, underneath his scars. He fought hard and War, Pestilence, Famine and Death were all there and they had the smuggest look on their faces – they did this, they caused this pain. He did it too, by following these four horsemen, leaving her behind.

She hug him trying to spark life back into his eyes; it was in vain. She kissed his cold lips, but he didn’t kiss her back. She ruffled his golden hair so she could see his hopeful eyes and a cheeky smile, but that was not meant to be.

Wherever the casket went, she followed glued to it. When it was time to close the casket, the pain in her sobs could have woken up any dead – except him. She saw the casket being lowered to the ground, but saying goodbye knocked the life out of her. The earth covered him and… he was gone.

He was not coming back for any more lovemaking or any more jokes. The life with children and a white picket fence will never happen. Growing old and grey together will always be just wishful thinking. All because he didn’t stay behind, with her.

Love of my life, I wanted to die with you. You will never read this letter and will never fulfil your promise of coming back to me. You will never experience my love, anger, fear, confusion and deep grief; it wasn’t me who died, it was you. You promised you would come back to me; surely you didn’t mean dead...

I tried to memorise everything I could about you, but I am afraid I failed. Already I am struggling to remember your smell, or how your kisses felt like. Was your beard dark or did it have a mix of brown, ginger and gold in it? I can’t remember how happy I was in your arms anymore and you will never be able to remind me of it again.

What am I supposed to do with all the love I have inside my heart with your name on it? What am I supposed to do with the happy memories and your gifts? How am I supposed to pretend life goes on when you are not here? Birds shan’t sing and children must be forbidden to play on such occasion!

This amount of hurt should have killed me by now – why hasn’t it? God, please, take me to my love; he misses me and I him.

I know you would say I am stronger than I think I am, and I can move on. You would say you want me to be happy and that I will – my love, fuck you. I want you and your strong arms and your ability to make me laugh at stupid things. But I can’t have what I want anymore and I am at loss. Why wasn’t I strong enough or enough for you to stay with me?

I… I love you. Don’t make me say it…

Goodbye.

Yours, Always.

Alexandra.